A Daughter\’s Journey…

Real-life reflections regarding a crack-addicted father

Birthday Feelings February 3, 2007

Filed under: Addiction,addiction help,Blogroll,drug abuse,Inspiration,Self-Help — leapoffaith @ 12:55 am

Today is my 28th birthday.  The amount of emotional growth I’ve experienced this past year never ceases to amaze me.  I keep telling myself I’m better for all that I’ve gone through…and most of the time, I believe that. 

Today has been a day just like any other for the most part; business as usual.  Everywhere, reminders of my dad, even in the strangest of places and even when I’m not really looking. 

I took my boys to the barbershop this morning for haircuts.  There was a little boy in line who was probably around one and a half, getting ready for his first haircut ever.  The little boy’s family made it a “family affair” and everyone was there, including this little boy’s grandfather.  As soon as the grandpa walked in the door, the little boy shreiked with delight and ran right into his arms.  They laughed and played together.  The look of joy and happiness on both of their faces was awe-inspiring and crushing to me all at the same time.  After a few seconds of trying to regain my own composure and hoping that my boys didn’t see my emotional reaction, I hurried to make sure they weren’t paying attention as I dreaded having to explain why they don’t have a relationship with my dad that way.  I made it through that one outwardly unscathed, but inside, my heart was a little bruised; not for me, but for my babies who will never know a loving relationship like that one with their own maternal grandfather.  I hurt for them.  I hurt for my father.  Although I know that it’s of his own volition, he’s missing out on so much with my children; so much that he’ll never, ever be able to regain.  It’s so not fair to my boys and that makes me angry at times.

The phone has rang many, many times today with lots of friends and relatives on the other end wishing me a happy birthday.  I’m so thankful for all of them and know that I am incredibly blessed to have them all in my life.  Funny, each time the phone rings, my heart thinks that maybe it could be my dad calling to say he’s sorry and wish me a happy birthday.  How jaded is that?  My mind knows better than to think that.  As childish as it sounds, the birthday present I wanted most this year was to have my father back in my life.  So silly of me to even pretend that could be possible.  These internal struggles seem to be never-ending.  A song I heard today seemed SO fitting for how I’m feeling.  The lyrics seem to describe my struggles almost prefectly.

 “Fall to Pieces” by Velvet Revolver

It’s been a long year
Since you’ve been gone
I’ve been alone here
I’ve grown old
I fall to pieces, I’m falling
Fell to pieces and I’m still falling

Every time I’m falling down
All alone I fall to pieces

I keep a journal of memories
I’m feeling lonely, I can’t breathe
I fall to pieces, I’m falling
Fell to pieces and I’m still falling

All the years I’ve tried
With more to go
Will the memories die
I’m waiting
Will I find you
Can I find you
We’re falling down
I’m falling

Every time I’m falling down
All alone I fall to pieces
Every time I’m falling down
All alone I fall to pieces
Every time I’m falling down
All alone I fall to pieces
Every time I’m falling down
All alone I fall to pieces

 Even though I temporarily “fall to pieces,” I always manage to find some inner strength to pick myself up, dust myself off, and move on.  Today is no different, I guess.  I have received a lot of emails this week from readers of my blog.  To all of you who are struggling with finding your own way with your addicted loved ones, may you find your own inner strength.